Such was the case for Dr. Darcy Sterling.
Specializing in relationships, Dr. Darcy helps her clients maneuver lovewithher love, her wife Stephanie.
Her latest, herJealousy Boot Camp, teaches couples how to maneuver their relationships when jealousy arises.
And the whole jam was really teaching relationship skills to teenagers and to their parents.
And we would separate out the parents; they would have a parent coach.
The kids would see …
I did my best to avoid the parents because they were rough, man.
Or would you just be looking for the best qualified professional?"
It took years to perfect that response because that would immediately shut them up.
But they were really rough.
And I love teenagers.
I love how pliable they are, how hopeful they are, how open to change they are.
And at the end of the day … that was my first 15 years of my career.
And that was what I planned to do forever.
And it was a relationship column.
And then I started getting all these clients through that.
And my brain is, I’m very left brain-oriented.
I like to be organized and understand what is the common denominator among the people that I work with.
It was relationship skills.
It’s all the same stuff.
And that’s basically how I got there.
She believes the pandemic made humans realize how much we need each other
That’s amazing.
There’s really no such thing as not having to interact with humans.
I imagine there might be.
But for the vast majority of us, we are hardwired to be in relationships.
Relationships are the most important … not to be grandiose or anything, because I just fell into this.
And it’s not going to be about how much money did I make or how successful was I?
How well did I love and was I loved?
So, it’s really, it’s the essence of what we’re here for, you know?
The distance was the most painful part of this.
In any other crisis any natural disaster, terrorism, any other crisis people come together.
We’ve had to stay apart to stay safe.
It’s been crazy, right?
It’s been heartbreaking.
Yeah, it has been heartbreaking.
How many people passed away and their loved ones couldn’t even be there with them?
I can’t even imagine.
Let’s lighten it up.
Yeah, that’s real heavy.
I would give them the same advice that I would give the straight folks because I don’t discriminate.
It’s so interesting.
And yet nonetheless, I always have I want to say, half my practice is straight people.
We have to do our own work.
And they’re not going to be attracted to us if our fractures aren’t healing.
I don’t think we ever are healed entirely, because we’re imperfect beings.
And I hope that people are …
I can only speak for myself, my intention is to be growing throughout my life.
I came out of childhood with enough fractures to take a lifetime of healing.
We have to coach our partners.
I’m not: full disclosure.
Most people don’t want to be with a virgin.
And the reason we don’t want to be with a virgin is because we need guidance.
We need the person to know what feels good.
And it’s the same principle that holds for us outside of the bedroom.
And so, my partner’s constantly asking, “How are you?
Wait, where’s your head at?
What are you thinking?
What were you just doing?”
So, and not just our partners, our colleagues, you know?
Is there a way that I’ve been speaking that has caused you to shift?
And I wanted that, I wanted that feedback because I knew that …
I had sensed a shift, and I wanted to create safety in the relationship.
And I was open to the fact that maybe I wasn’t so nice when a mistake was made.
And if that was the case, I wanted to know so that I could change.
The same relationship skills that we use anywhere are the same relationship skills that we use everywhere.
And generally when our relationships flourish, they flourish across the board.
And it does depend.
Look, killing it in your career?
It’s not magical.
It takes a lot of hard work and dedication and time, and it’s exhausting.
But when we have relationship skills, we can apply the same skills across the board in our life.
And they will either rise or fall based on the level of competence that we have in those skills.
When it comes to your jealousy boot camp, where did this start?
What does it entail?
I can individualize how I teach and the pace that I teach just for you, Preston.
So, I started building relationship courses that are available, when they’re launched online.
They’re not always available.
Right now nothing’s available.
And in my first course with my wife … We thought we couldn’t … spend enough time together.
Nothing like lockdown in New York City to teach you just what togetherness can look like.
And it begins to cultivate the deeper learning about yourself.
Because we’re both behind closed doors all day long.
So, we get to co-facilitate.
We get to co-teach that course called Relationship Skills Boot Camp.
It’s a third most common reason that people seek out couples counseling.
There’s nothing out there for jealousy.
There’s one or two books
Wow.
literally written by actual professionals.
The rest of the stuff.
It’s an unregulated profession.
We are licensed professionals.
I’m sorry, it is a distinction.
It is something that we see constantly in our practice.
So, that was the impetus for building out the jealousy course.
It’s been drilled into my head.
And as I started doing the research, I realized why nobody’s built a solution to jealousy.
The reason is, is because it’s not an easy thing to solve.
And the solve is easier to build on other people’s research.
If other people have done some basic research, it’s easier to build a specialized course.
I couldn’t even get to specialized; I had to get to general.
Although general in 2021, general in 2021.
All people feel it.
My jealousy course does not attempt to cure a normal human emotion.
We’re meant to grow out of them.
Because I’ve never been a jealous person.
I’ve had every other relationship problem there is.
I’ve never had the problem of jealousy.
I’ve just never been a jealous person, in any relationship.
Sometimes a little platonically, I like to be everyone’s No.
1 person, which is ridiculous, but in a monogamous relationship you are ostensibly the No.
So I’ve never felt severe levels of jealousy, the way some people do.
Because nobody likes that insecure girl.
So, there’s shame on top of jealousy.
The kind of jealousy that my course addresses, I call obsessive jealousy.
Because it’s very similar to OCD-like symptoms.
But it makes it even more challenging because there’s this other level of denial on top of it.
So, now you’re completely isolated and alone in this terrible state.
And the way you tend to manage it is to go right to your own research.
Which even non-jealous people have done, right?
So, I knew that the course had to address social media jealousy.
We’ve got a separate course and a bonus just for that.
And that’s how I wound up building out a series of courses to address jealousy.
It’s been quite a ride.
Dr. Darcy gets real about attachment styles
Let me ask you something.
When you see those people, what do they look like to you?
How do you know?
How do you know when somebody struggles with jealousy?
How do you know?
That’s such a good question.
How do I know?
And when someone is not tending to them like they think they should be, they begin to panic.
Yeah, I would say that’s how I’ve noticed.
Preston, what you nailed just there is the cornerstone of my course.
But what you
No, no.
What you just spoke to taps into what’s called attachment theory.
Attachment theory is a theory that goes like this, zero to five … five-ish.
And it is correctable.
What you just tapped into is, there’s three different attachment styles.
I think that’s 30% of us.
Those are
Not me.
[Laughs]
Me.
Me now, but not out of childhood.
I was broken, you know?
I was as fractured as they come.
I can’t do it alone.
A little too late for that, right?
By throwing a f***ing tantrum in the middle, and then their parent would respond.
If you are just quiet, they will not get met.
And then there’s another attachment style that’s avoided.
And those kids had an experience with their caregiver where the parents, they just weren’t emotionally available.
But kids are amazing.
We adapt our attachment style.
And so they’re very, very comfortable in self-soothing and managing their emotions independently.
I had no idea.
But becoming a trained writer.
It’s the same thing.
No, it’s 100% the same thing.
It’s the same thing.
That’s so interesting.
I love the multidisciplinarity of things like that.
Yeah, and also the same
The intersectionality of … Because hello, that’s our world, right?
Dr. Darcy is ‘naturally hardwired towards curiosity’
Yes, absolutely.
You have your private practice in New York; you have been hosting “Famously Single” on E!
web connection; you have your Jealousy Boot Camp and your other online courses you’ve been making.
And you were the global ambassador for Tinder.
So, I just want to ask, how do you manage all of this together?
I mean, I don’t sleep enough.
I’m naturally hardwired towards curiosity and diverse activities because I have ADHD.
So, I can go down a rabbit hole very easily.
It makes it very easy for me to authentically connect with my clients.
Doesn’t matter what the h*** they do, I am fascinated about it.
Everything happens in different moments.
Building that jealousy course pulled me out of media for three years.
Like, the only other thing I was able to do while I was doing that was my clients.
And to be the global ambassador of Tinder.
I could do hardly any media during that period of time.
And now I’m chomping at the bit.
It allows me to work one-on-one with clients.
If I wanted to, which I don’t, I could work with couples.
My wife does that.
Don’t ask me why.
I can barely handle one person at a time; she does two on one.
Makes no sense to me whatsoever, but someone has to do it.
And there is, basically I could do home visits with my clients, anyway.
And it’s a very creative field.
I got really lucky with the degree that I picked.
And I don’t do them all at the same time.
I have to pick and choose.
So, what am I going to do?
I feel the same way.
When you walk out of the studio, everything should be left on the dance floor.
Don’t hold anything back."
What are you going to wait until you’re in the shower?
I’m too excitable and too curious, and don’t have impulse control.
And I found a way to make that work.
Well, for sure.
Just between you and me, right?
And let me tell you, it was a ride.
Thank God I had the production company that I had, and I had the data pipe I had.
And at one point, I had to do that.
Even when I was working with teenagers, that was always my jam.
I was that teenager who was forced to go to therapy and no one was making me talk.
So, I found a way very early on to empower them.
And if you don’t, I will shake your hand and respect you.
And I will tell your parents I’m not working with him or her.
That’ll be the end of it."
And from that point forward, again …
I had never worked with a client who wasn’t willing to work with me of their own volition.
So, you’ve got the option to pack your bags."
And from that point forward, everyone was in 100%.
We had a great rest of the season.
Season 2 came from their friendship groups.
That’s really, really cool.
So, I have authentic real relationships with all of them.
And I’m grateful for that.
And we have definitely downloaded and talked about how rough they were on me Season 1.
And it was fine because it made me stronger.
It’s like summer camp.
And it was an amazing experience, and I can’t wait to do it again.
Well, thank you.
The exchange was mutual.
Well, and I’m going to say, the power dynamic is different privately.
I’m the one empowered.
Until you are a known entity, you are disempowered.
And so, I had to earn respect, and that was fair.
They didn’t become reality stars because they’re easy to work with.
I mean they’re very strong-willed people and I always wanted them to be strong-willed people.
